The Baby Telemarketer
by Accidie
Summary: Ch 4 up! Okay, those of you who hate OC relationships and kids of canon characters, then DO NOT READ THIS! Rating changed for cursing!
1. Eggman's Eggsanity

Maria: I'm back with my first Sonic fic!!

Shadow: I'm not impressed.

Maria: Oh, stuff it! This is a funny fic!

**Disclaimer:** **All characters that you recognize from the games belong to Sega. Maria, Kari and Saerry are mine!**

* * *

Two year old Maria Lifeform walked into the living room of the home she shared with her father Shadow, and the others. Knuckles and his daughter Kari, Sonic and his daughter Saerry, and Tails. Maria walked over behind the couch to find a purple Motorola Razr. The purple and blue hedgehog opened the phone, not recognizing it as belonging to anyone in the household, and saw Eggman's number on the contact list. The baby hedgehog got a rather evil grin on her face, and hit 'send'. After a few rings, the doctor picked up the phone.

"Hello, this is Doctor Eggman," said the doctor.

"Hewwo, this is Chaos Emerald Central. If you would like to purchase a set of chaos emeralds, press 1. If you would like to purchase an individual emerald, press 2. If you would like to purchase the master emerald, press 3. To hear mowe options, press 4," said Maria. Eggman eagerly pressed 1.

"Congwatuwations, you have opted to have the menu options spoken in Spanish," said Maria. Eggman shouted angrily. "You have chosen to have youw options spoken in Dutch." Eggman screamed.

"I PRESSED ONE YOU IMBECILE! NOW GIVE ME THE CHAOS EMERALDS OR ELSE!" Eggman screamed furiously.

"You have chosen to have all of your weapons of mass destruction confiscated," said Maria, enjoying antagonizing Eggman.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NOT MY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!" screamed Eggman.

"You have chosen to surrender to GUN and go into rehab to renounce your filthy evil ways," Maria said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Eggman in agony. "I LIKE MY FILTHY EVIL WAYS!!! ...wait, my evil ways are NOT filthy! They're excellent! Who are you anyway?"

"I'm a…telemarketer!" said Maria evilly.

"TELEMARKETER!? I'LL KILL YOU!!" Eggman howled. Shadow walked into the room.

"Maria, what are you doing?" he asked, seeing his infant daughter with a purple cell phone.

"I'm antagonizing Eggman daddy," whispered Maria as she hung up. "It's sooo much fun!!" Shadow rolled his eyes and took the phone, destroying it.

"So he can't try to trace the call," he explained to his wide eyed daughter.

* * *

Maria: Please review! I'd love to know how I did!

Sonic: O.O

Amy: Since when can babies antagonize Eggman?

Maria: Since I wrote it! hits Amy with Shadow's handgun Again, hit the little button and review please!!


	2. Amy's Anguish

**The Baby Telemarketer **

**Chapter 2 – Amy's Anguish**

Maria Lifeform walked into her bedroom after a long day of playing at the park with her friends Kari and Saerry, and had an idea. She got a positively evil grin on her face as she ran for the phone. After dialing a number, she waited for an answer.

"Hello? This is Amy," said Amy Rose, the Maria-dubbed 'Pink Freak'.

"Hewwo, this is Howy Matwimony," said Maria. "If you would wike to go on a date wif Sonic, press 1. If you would wike to marry Sonic, press 2. To hear more options, press fouw."

"Sonic!!" Amy happily squealed as she pressed 2.

"You have chosen to go on a date wif Shadow," Maria said, inwardly giggling.

"NO! SONIKKU!!" Amy cried in anguish.

"You have chosen to join the 'I Hate Sonic' club," said Maria, thoroughly enjoying herself. Amy screamed.

"You have opted to join the 'I Love Eggman And I Would Love To Marry Him' club," Maria said.

"OOOOHHHHH NNNNOOOO!!!!" Amy wailed.

"You have chosen to have a collection of Eggman pwushies sent to your house," Maria said. Amy started crying.

"WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" she sobbed, and Maria hung up the phone, bubbling happily.

"Maria, what are you up to this time?" Shadow asked in exasperation, having seen her with the phone. Maria grinned as she looked at her daddy.

"I made Amy cwy, daddy! Awen't you pwoud of me?" the little purple hedgehog grinned cutely at her ebony colored father.

"You made Amy cry? Excellent!" Shadow said, and patted his infant daughter on the head. Maria giggled as Sonic came into the room.

"What's with her?" he asked, seeing the giggling hedgehog.

"She made Amy cry," said Shadow.

"Really? Cool!" Sonic said. "Thanks Maria!"


	3. Eggman's Revenge

Maria: Okay, here's the third chappie! I never realized this fic would be so popular! It's my most popular one to date! I guess humor's my thing...Okay, since I've been asked so nicely, I'll tell ya'll bout the mothers.

**Maria's mom: **  
Name: Katie  
Species: Hedgehog  
Appearance: light blue, pink running shoes  
Known family: husband Shadow, daughter Maria and brother Sonic  
Summary: survived by her family after being killed in a bloody battle with Eggman's stupid robots

**Saerry's mom:**  
Name: Sora  
Species: Echidna  
Appearance: apricot colored with purple eyes  
Known family: brother Knuckles, husband Sonic and daughter Saerry  
Summary: died in childbirth

**Kari's mom:  
**Name: Cerise  
Species: Hedgehog  
Appearance: lavender fur and bright blue eyes  
Known family: husband Knuckles, daughter Kari and cousin Sonic  
Summary: succeeded by her family, killed alongside Katie in battle

...There, happy now? They're all one big happy family!! ...Hope Amy doesn't ruin it...lol!!

**Disclaimer: I own Katie, Maria, Sora, Saerry, Kari and Cerise. Everything else belongs to Sega.**

* * *

"Maria, please don't prank anybody today," said Shadow, sitting on the couch. Maria looked up from her toys on the floor.

"But daddy, why?" said the little hedgehog. "It's so much fun!"

"But it can get aggravating for the victims," Shadow said patiently. "And some of them may want to get revenge."

"Oh," Maria said, turning back to her toys.

Meanwhile, on the latest egg carrier, Eggman was (ironically) plotting his revenge against the baby hedgehog.

"What to do?" he asked himself. "Kidnapping her would just make me even more crazy!" No, really? "I can't try stealing the chaos emeralds because she wouldn't care, Sonic and those other pests would…I know! I'll kidnap Shadow!" Uh oh. Does anyone else see the huge DANGER sign on this one?

"WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" came the wail of an angry baby hedgehog rang throughout the house.

"Now what's the matter?" Saerry asked.

"That pink freak stepped on my game boy!!" Maria sobbed. Shadow sighed.

"I'll go get you a new one," he said. Maria instantly brightened.

"YAY!" she happily shouted. "Can I come too?"

"I'm going to regret this," Shadow muttered. "Sure."

At the store, Maria was looking at the different colors of game boys. After a little while, she decided on a purple one and turned to tell her rather impatient father. She was shocked when she didn't see him.

"Daddy?" she called cautiously. "Daddy, are you there?" The little girl looked all over the store and couldn't find him, so she ran home crying.

"Whoa there Maria, what's wrong? Where's Shadow?" Sonic asked, after Maria plowed into his leg upon entering the house.

"I-I can't find my daddy!" she wailed. "He disappeared!" Sonic looked angry.

"Eggman!" he growled. "Don't worry Maria, we'll find him. Tails, let's go. Knuckles, stay here and watch the kids."

"WHAT!?" exclaimed Knuckles, and all three children.

"B-But, we wanna help too!" Saerry said.

"Yeah!" said Kari. "Dad, please can we go? Huh?"

"What about Maria?" Knuckles asked flatly. Kari and Saerry's faces fell.

* * *

Maria: Okay, please review! I'll probably have Shadow and Knux tell their kids how their moms died after this Eggman crap's over with...kay? Tough! lol

Shadow: You are despicable.

Maria: Yeah, but you love me anyway! Plz review!!


	4. Of Robots and Swear Words

Maria: Yay! The fourth chappie!!

Shadow: I hate you.

Maria: Oh, you do not! Now stop it!

**Disclaimer: The Sonic characters belong to Sega. I own Maria, Kari & Saerry.**

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**  
The Baby Telemarketer**

**Chapter 4 – Of Robots and Swear Words**

"Maria, stop. Sonic _will_ find your father and bring him home," said a rather exasperated Knuckles.

"How do _you_ know?" Maria asked rather accusingly, momentarily ceasing her rather malicious attack on the couch cushions.

"Because he's the hero, duh!" Saerry said. "He HAS to bring your dad back! It'd be a contradiction in itself if something happened to _him!"_

"Wow Saerry, when did you suddenly grow a brain?" Kari asked. Maria giggled.

"Yeah," she said, getting serious again. "But _my_ daddy's an ANTI-hero!!"

"So?" Kari said. "Sonic will still bring him home. Right dad?"

"Yes," Knuckles said. "And I hope it's soon. The Master Emerald needs my protection."

"You'we obsessed," Maria said.

"Am not!" Knuckles said.

"Awe too!"

"Am not!"

"Awe too!"

"Am not!"

"Awe too!"

"Am not!"

"Awe too!"

"Am not!"

"Awe too!"

"Am not!"

"Awe too!"

"Are-wait, why the heck am I arguing with a FOUR YEAR OLD for crying out loud?!" Knuckles yelled.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Saerry shouted. "You're just crazy!"

"Oh brother," Kari said, rolling her eyes. "I hope Sonic and Tails are doing okay."

"Sonic, in here!" Tails whispered. As Tails followed Sonic into a holding cell containing a very irate ebony hedgehog, an alarm went off.

"Oh great!" Sonic said. "Time to party!"

"You are despicable," Shadow said stoically, watching the robots swarm into the small cell. Sonic and Shadow worked together (wait, is that actually _possible?_) to beat the robots back so they could get out into the hall.

Tails worked on disabling the alarm while the fight raged on. As Sonic dodged another blow, he spotted something on the wall and grinned. He yanked it off, and oil shot out everywhere, making the robots all slip and fall over, enabling the trio to escape.

"YOU DESPICABLE HEDGEHOGS!" Eggman howled with rage as the three flew off in the Tornado.

"Got an ace Maria?" Kari asked.

"Nope, go fish," Maria said. "Got a six Uncle Knuckwes?"

"Grrr," Knuckles said, handing the card over, glaring at it as if it had just offended his very existence by just sitting there. The door opened, and the battle weary trio walked in.

"DADDY!" Maria squealed, throwing herself at her father, and wrapping herself around his leg, since that was all she could reach. Shadow reached for her and gently pried her off his leg, picking her up.

"I'm home Maria," he said, gently nuzzling the young hedgehog. (I know, not something he'd normally do, but this is his DAUGHTER we're talking about here! His own flesh and blood for crying out loud!!...er, would that actually be 'quills and blood' in their case?? LOL)

"I'll go get your new game boy for you Maria," Sonic offered.

"Okay," Maria said. "I want a purple one." Shadow glared at her. "Uh…please?"

"Sure," Sonic said, chuckling when Shadow glared at his daughter. Sonic walked out the door and sped off in a blur of blue light.

"Ow! Shit!" Knuckles yelled. Everybody looked at him. "Stupid paper cuts!" Maria got a weird look on her face.

"Shit?" she asked, slowly forming the word. Shadow slapped his forehead. (Now, here comes the best part of the 'accompaniment' comic  ) "Daddy, what's shit mean?"

"…" Kari and Saerry looked stunned. Shadow looked like he was either going to die of shock, or beat the holy hell out of Knuckles.

* * *

Maria: Hehehehe! What a cliffie!

Shadow: Don't you EVER say that word again!!

Maria: innocently What, 'shit'?

Shadow: growls menacingly


End file.
